Weekly Top 3: Failed Assassination Attempts

Take into consideration the level of commitment, planning, and determination it must take to execute a public figure. Imagine the preparation it takes. Everything from learning your target's schedule to growing a mustache. And even after all of that planning, it can still go horribly wrong.

Number One: King Louis XV

Apart from looking like a passive aggressive Thomas Jefferson, King Louis had a lot of people that wanted to kill him. One of those was Robert Francois, who approached the King and his guards one snowy night requesting an audience.  Louis probably muttered some clash trash under his breath

Louis sighed and let out an "Uh, seriously?" Probably because the blade was only a small ice pick which was far too short to get through the winter garb Louis was dressed in. The tip of the blade was all that touched Louis, however that didn't stop him from confessing about all the proletariat poon-tang he had been taxing without representation to his nearby wife. 

Louis obviously survived, but I'm certain his wife was never the same. After you've seen your husband, the king, cry from getting penetrated with just the tip you kinda just want to tell him to take it like a man and be grateful that it was cold outside. This was, in fact, a successful character assassination.

Number Two: Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson left a government funeral in 1835 trying not to look like Jane Fonda when his almost-assassin, Richard Lawrence (or as he liked to be called in private, Dick Law) ran up to him with two pistols aimed at close range. He was an unemployed house painter who was apparently furious that The White House turned down his idea to repaint. 

A gambling man would of bet that William Defoe's death was a sure thing. The first pistol misfired and at this point I like to think that's when Richard thought, "That's why I brought a spare!" except that's when the second pistol gave into the hype.

Standing there with two jammed pistols looking dead center into the wrinkled, angry face of what Joan Rivers would of looked like without surgery, Lawrence probably said, "Mondays, right?" and did a little soft shoe.

What really happened was that 67 year old cadaver of Phyllis Diller on the 20 dollar bill beat the unemployment out of Lawrence with his cane until Jackson's own security pulled Lawrence away. Yep, you didn't misread that last sentence. How bad ass of an individual do you have to be to have your own assassin get protected from you by your own security?

Number 3: Fidel Castro

Fidel Castro: fearless leader of Communist Cuba or Morgan Freeman if he looked into the Ark of the Covenant? Either way, this man most likely holds the record for most survived assassination attempts.

Somewhere around 600. Six. Zero. Zero. If you failed 600 times at anything would you ever do it again?  By this logic I should stop asking women out on dates. 

The CIA failed attempts:

[CIA] considered taking advantage of Castro’s love of scuba-diving by planting mollusk shells that contained explosives in the ocean when he was underwater, and painting them bright colors so that he would be attracted to them. Then, when he got close enough—boom. Another idea was reportedly planting a diving suit for him that was infected with fungus that would cause a lethal skin disease. They even recruited a former lover of his to murder him, but that didn’t work out because once they were alone, Castro figured out that she intended on shooting him and prompted her to do just that, even offering her his gun. She told him she couldn’t go through with it. Other attempts including poisonous pens, exploding cigars, and bacterial poisons designed to be dissolved in his coffee or tea.

I'm no Poli-Sci major but at which number of failed assassination attempts do you just give up out of embarrassment?  The U.S Government has the same success rate as Michael J. Fox with a Capri Sun.

Till next time!