Michelangelo: The Big Picture

Michelangelo isn't just the name of the largest size on Starbucks' secret menu, he is one of the most well known artists in the entire span of human history. He was a sculptor, painter, engineer, and poet with a shady lawyer's full name.

I have personally seen the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and I gotta say, for someone whose hand was supposedly guided by God himself, it's aight. But for a sculptor who was tricked into the project? Pretty fuckin' impressive.

Michelangelo was a sculptor and at heart, this was his true artistic calling. Before the age of 30 he had already crafted his two most lasting works, David, and Pieta which thousands of years later still astonish crowds. He was assigned to sculpt a few statues for the Sistine Chapel and later discovered it was a trick, and he had agreed to paint the ceiling.

For 4 years he essentially lived on scaffolding like an artistic Catwoman, hating every second of what he was doing. Therefore, he painted a few messages into the vast mural that I think are noteworthy.

The first, was the way he chose to get back at a certain someone. In Dante's myths of Heaven and Hell there is Minos, the king of Hell. He's described as expected, long ears, sharp teeth and green skin. Kinda like James Carville as the Hulk. And as a fellow history blog states:

It’s well documented that Michelangelo faced opposition surrounding his artistic interpretation of the scene and the many nudes, which were all completely nude at the time with the loincloths painted years later (the fresco was restored in 1993, with some of the loincloths removed and others left- just look back at St. Bartholomew to see the convenient piece of cloth). One of Michelangelo’s most vocal enemies was the Pope’s master of ceremonies Biagio da Cesena, who was constantly on Michelangelo about the nudes. Michelangelo responded by painting his likeness as that of Minos, with large donkey’s ears and a snake wrapped around and biting him in a precarious spot. Better yet, it is right above the side door, the most visible spot from ground level. Cesena complained directly to the Pope, who supposedly joked that he had no power over Hell so it would have to remain.

 "Minos" aka Biago da Cesena

Yeah, that's right. Fuck with Michelangelo and a snake eats your metaphorical and allegorical dick for the rest of time. (Side note: Who was Pope back then? Don Rickles IV?) Also, a testament to the power of artists. If you are good enough, you can insult someone with the blessing of the Pope. That's gotta be a burn for all eternity, right? 

The Huffington Post ran an article highlighting a few more hidden gems: 

In two places in the masterpiece, Michelangelo left self portraits -- both of them depicting himself in torture. He gave his own face to Saint Bartholomew's body martyred by being skinned alive:

 and to the severed head of Holofernes, who was seduced and beheaded by Judith.

My takeaway from all this is that there are a lot of young artists out there that complain about how they company they work for "Doesn't understand my vision." or "They don't know, I'm a great poet why am I doing this bullshit?" 

Do what Michelangelo did, suck it up and be such a good artist they only remember the names of the people who hated you because they're now famous for having wrongly hated you. Revenge is a dish best served as "the immortalization of the dickishness of your haters in timeless art." 

Till next time!